So this is the first post for quite some time and a little break from the norm, but I just felt like writing down these fairly personal feelings on motherhood. If you're interested, great. Read on. If not, that's really fine. I have the feeling I''m writing this more for myself than anyone else.
I am a mom. For this privilege, I am truly and eternally grateful. My heart weeps for those individuals who long for this opportunity and have not been given it. Why me and not them? I have no idea. I know so many who probably deserve it more than I do.
Regardless, I am a mother and I love my children fiercely. For all I grumble about the chaos of my life, I love these little people wholly, completely. They are what I have chosen to dedicate my eternity to. I have three children now, and although I can hardly explain it even to myself, I would like more. In spite of the poopy underwear and vomity t-shirts and late nights and endless praying, I hope that I am given more precious spirits to take care of. I'm not sure how I'll manage it, but I hope to have the opportunity to learn how.
The fact is, I am not a mom who has it all together. My house doesn't always, or even usually, look perfect. I would like it to, but my OCD is not so strong that I am not willing to prioritize other things over cleaning. I have laundry on the bathroom floor and usually some dishes in the sink and toys on the couch.
I am not a mom who always looks perfect. I wear torn basketball shorts and Pep Band t-shirts from high school. I don't wear makeup often. I consider putting on jeans "getting dressed up". Again, I don't always love the way I look, but I often prioritize getting my kids fully clothed and out the door with my sanity in tact above looking beautiful.
I am not a mom who collects beautiful things. I would like to, but it takes a lot of energy for me to keep them looking beautiful, and I'd rather have people just feel comfortable when they come to my house. I want my home to be a place that gets used and lived in.
And you know what? I guess I'm okay with it. I don't feel like I have the mental or physical energy stores to keep things pristine all the time. To tell the truth, I feel and have always felt intimidated by women who are able to do these things - they have their house nice, they serve dinner right at five, they work out every morning and put on makeup immediately after their morning shower. I don't know why I'm not this person or why my strivings to make myself into this have failed. But it seems I'm just not meant to be this way.
I am, however, a mom who has spontaneous dance parties with my kids. We crank up the music and when a song comes on that none of us can resist, we all drop everything and dance like crazy people. We sing into our spoons and make up words and tease each other. I stop working or sleeping to come see the "cave" the kids built out of mattresses and comforters. I get into the inflatable pool and join the water fight. I spend a lot of time in the book section of the thrift store so that my babies can have fun things to read. Sometimes we have brownies for dinner. Or breakfast. We bake just for fun, just because we like to do it together. I sit down at the table to be served a plastic fish, a plastic jug of chocolate milk, and a frying pan so my kids will have someone to judge their Iron Chef competition. I read about sharks and bugs and dinosaurs. I read "Bears on Wheels" three times in a row. I sing verse after verse of "The Ants Go Marching".
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I care very much about teaching my children the gospel. I want them to know God loves them, that He hears and answers their prayers. I want them to know that Jesus Christ atoned for their sins and that He is their best friend. I am not a particularly crafty person, but I spend time laminating religious art and cutting out scripture figures so that my kids will have a fun way to learn the gospel. I spend money on little plastic action figures from the Book of Mormon, so my kids will pay attention to the lessons. I spend lots of time writing in a personal journal, in hopes that they will someday consider it a link to their past and appreciate their family members who came before them.
There are lots of things I don't do well and sometimes I feel bad for my children that they were not born to a more worthy mother, and for my husband, that he didn't choose someone who was a better home manager. I do try to do what I can, though. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically invested in this job 1000%. And I guess that's the point of this post. To remind myself that, hopefully, that's enough. I'm trying to have faith that "[I] know enough", like Neil L. Andersen said. For whatever reason, this is the person I came down to Earth as; this is the package I was given. And for whatever reason, my children were born to me. I know absolutely that they have a Heavenly Father who loves them and intently watches over them. He's not going to let me botch up their raising too completely; He's going to help me.
I was touched by a quote from Marjorie Hinckley, "We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are."
I am tired of feeling badly about myself because I can't do what "everyone" else can. I'm tired of it. So from today forward, I vow to try a little harder to remember this quote from dear Sister Hinckley and to learn to be content with what I am. This is what Heavenly Father made me, so He must think it's worth something. I'm working hard to be the best I can and to show Him I'm grateful for what I have. And at the end of the day, I will take the courage to try again tomorrow and pray that what I'm giving is enough.
